A Daydream, Nothing More

As we get older, we realize the harsh realities of reality. We realize that our childhoods were just prolonged dreams, ones that we must eventually wake up from. And then, we find ourselves wishing we could have stayed asleep for just a little bit longer.

***

Almost immediately I knew I was in a dream.

My surroundings, the forest with its trees and grass and the sky above me, all had a certain–feeling, like a smile that was just a bit forced or candy that was just a bit too sweet.

I looked down at the forest floor, past the scattered leaf litter. In a nearby puddle, I observed my reflection. I looked the same (same green eyes, and ordinary, curly, brown hair–for what that was worth).

Seeing no point in standing still, I made my way through the forest, under the painted sky and gaze of the trees. I wasn’t walking in any particular direction, yet somehow, I found myself in the middle of a clearing.

And in that clearing was a playground, with slides, monkey bars, and swings scattered about like pebbles on the ground. Each piece of equipment had once been painted childish reds, yellows, greens, and blues, but now the paint had faded.

The children didn’t seem to mind.

There were ten of them, playing a game that appeared to be Tag. They chased each other, up and down the slides, around the monkey bars and swings.

They looked happy. They probably were happy, without any…

I shook my head before my mind could get flooded by a whirlwind of worries, focusing instead on a sign in front of the main slide. It was in the same state as the rest of the playground, but I could make out the words, “Filmore Park”.

Something clicked, a sense of familiarity. A thread appeared in my mind.I tried to tug on it, to see where it led, to what memory…

In the distance I could hear a name being called, and with a start, I realized it was my own.

I turned away from the sign. Was someone in the real world trying to wake me up? No. The dream world with its forest of emerald green and sapphire-blue sky didn’t fade or shake or wobble. It all remained crystal clear.

I looked to the far end of the playground and saw a woman wearing a black jacket, who had seen better days (even though it didn’t seem particularly cold). Almost immediately, I knew she was the one who’d called his name, but she wasn’t looking at me.

Her eyes were on a boy wearing a blue shirt and blue jeans.

Her son, I guessed. They both had the same green eyes, and curly brown hair, just like…

With a start, I realized who the boy was.

He was me. A younger version of myself, but still me. I could see the resemblance more clearly now. The small scar on his cheek he’d–I’d gotten after I’d had a particularly bad fall, running around the house. The pin on his shirt of some cartoon character I used to love.

The boy was saying his goodbyes to his friend, a cheery smile on his face. Then he ran off to his mother, hugging her, excitedly exclaiming all the details of his day. His mother smiled, gently holding his hand, and the two began walking through the forest.

I watched as they walked away. Giving one last glance back at the playground, I ran after them.

The sun was setting by the time I caught up with his mother and the younger me. Apparently the passage of time was still a thing in this…dream world. The three of us were now in a field of tall grass by the edge of a cliff.
Younger me had run ahead, somersaulting, cartwheeling, laughing every time he fell. His mother watched with a smile, that same smile that I had once seen so many times on my mother’s face. A smile that had slowly become more and more rueful until it had disappeared entirely.

I ran past my mother, who didn’t seem to notice my presence, trying to catch up with the little boy. He had run even farther ahead and was now sitting on a rock by the cliff’s edge, watching the setting sun.

Almost immediately as I arrived at the rock he spoke, “It looks like it goes on forever.”

I paused. Was he talking to me? I followed his gaze to the ocean stretched before them, the sunset reflecting in its waves.

“It doesn’t,” I responded. “It’s big, but it doesn’t go on forever.”

“One day I’m going to sail all of it and visit the whole world.”

“Sure you are, kid,” I replied, trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

I tried to remind myself that the kid in front of me was still a kid. He didn’t know of the world past the ocean, outside the forest and the playground. He didn’t know of the world that would make him fight for every step he took forward, forcing him to give in to sorrow and misery–not yet. He was unburdened. He was free.

I knelt down, placing my right hand on his shoulder..

A part of me wished I could stay here, in this picturesque moment, staring out at the sea, framed by the setting sun. With the grass behind us, our mother watching over us, smiling a real smile. Reality melting away until nothing was left except bliss.

Reality.

I knew I had to return to reality. I couldn’t stay here. I couldn’t have…this.

Somehow, I knew what I had to do. I patted the young boy on the shoulder, in what I hoped was a comforting way, then pushed him off the cliff.

He turned away before the body hit the waves below, but there was no sound. My younger self had not screamed. Almost immediately the world began to fade, just as I expected. I turned to my mother, but she was already gone, as was the field of grass, the ocean, and the sunset.

I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t think I felt guilty.

After all, this was a daydream, a look back at a time that would never come again, nothing more.